Supposed to be an easy weekend

After posting about my “good” MRI results yesterday, I proceeded to do some Google research on bilateral mastectomy and somewhat ended up on images. One of the ones I clicked on sent me to a blog authored by Leisha Davison-Yasol. Her story telling captivated me and I ended up reading all her posts over several years as she battled stage III breast cancer that had spread.

Reading about her surgeries, struggles, fears, pain and seeing how this insidious disease robs life, got me scared. While I’ve been encouraged by what my doctors have said about what they see in my body, there is still a nagging ‘what if’ feeling. I has a weird blood’ infection this summer when I traveled out of the country that left me breathless, literally. And while prescribed antibiotics cleared it, thinking of it now is haunting me.

As I sat reading Leisha’s blog (which, unfortunately hasn’t been updated since November 2015), I became aware of a dull, almost pain on my back. Alex Trebek, in his recent PSAs about pancreatic cancer, talked about wishing he had gotten his back pain checked out earlier. That it may have led to his pancreatic cancer being diagnosed earlier than stage 4.

Credit: LittleThings.com/India Times

My chest is also tight, my head is hurting and I also just read an entry by another breast cancer blogger, long gone, who wrote about how her diagnosed state 4 cancer spread through the bloodstream and not the lymphatic system. This was only found during surgery and wasn’t evident via other tests.

I don’t know what to make of what I am feeling. I just know that I am now in full fledged panic. What is my true prognosis?

I want my faith in God to take precedence. That if I pray for healing, that I will have enough faith to receive that true healing. But my humanity is getting in the way and I am letting fear overrule me.

I must do better. I will be working on doing better today, tomorrow, Monday and in the coming days, because I must.

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