Why can’t I still believe this?

The better part of this day has been spent wondering if this is real and wishing the oncologist will tell me on Tuesday that the breast imaging department made an egregious mistake and I really don’t have cancer.

All the while I have been going about my Saturday as normal, making my kids breakfast, lunch and dinner. Conversing as we always do. We just had dinner and they have retired to their rooms leaving me alone with my unhealthy thoughts.

They were supposed to spend time with their paternal grandma this morning but my eldest decided he didn’t want to go. This prompted the younger kids to do the same. I am sure this hurt their grandma’s feelings. She is sensitive. But I just didn’t have the mental strength to try talking them out of that decision.

My kids are, unfortunately, are not close to people on their dad’s side of the family, especially since we separated the first time. We are on our second separation after we briefly tried reconciling.

The kids say their dad, their grandma, great aunts and even cousins, act “stuffy” and are always spouting off rules. For example, dishes must be washed as soon as dinner is over, beds have to be made — military style. Affection is limited and they’re always being watched for mistakes they might make.

I’ve always said they are like the royal family, the queen and her son (only child). While I have always been more like the late Princess Diana, somewhat of a “scoffrule”, spur of the moment kind of person. I am very affectionate with my children and while they may turn their noses at it now that they are teens and pre-teens, I know they sometimes appreciate it.

I’ve spent a good amount of the time I’ve been separated from my husband trying to convince the kids to just give him, his mother and other family members, a chance. I am exhausted from that relationship, hence the reason why I didn’t try to convince my kids to just go spend some time with grandma. I don’t even what to tell any of them about my diagnosis until absolutely necessary.

I figure since my kids spent several hours during the last 2 days with my mother, they have been “grandmad” out and deserve a Saturday minding their own business, doing what they like to do. That’s what’s up in our rented apartment tonight, where they have left me with my thoughts and suspended belief.

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