The whys and the why nots

It’s day 1 PC (post cancer) diagnosis.

I went to bed at around midnight, feeling sorry for myself. My brain was too active to fall asleep and I kept wondering why the dreaded C got me, why it didn’t wait until I was 72, why, why, why ….

I answered my why questions with ‘why not’ answers. Why not me?

I’ve been very healthy all my life. Apart from getting the common cold once a year, a few strep throat infections in my adulthood, and a chronic condition called hidradenitis suppurativa, I haven’t really had much to complain about.

Since I was 19, my hidradenitis suppurativa has been mainly located in my left armpit. A year ago, my right armpit also started showing signs. It’s under my armpit skin, nothing on the surface, and has always presented as swollen, sometimes painful fluid-filled lymph nodes, which get worse every so-often.

I’ve decided to start taking boob pictures as often as I can to one day remember them by, if my treatment plan calls for having a mastectomy.

In fact, when the doctor’s called me in for a second mammogram and said the area of concern was on the left breast very near to my armpit, I thought the hidradenitis suppurativa had finally turned malignant. That remains to be seen, and hopefully I can begin getting answers on Tuesday, in four days, when I see the ‘team of oncologists’ that Dr. Priti yesterday promised.

Another ‘why’ worry I am having today is whether I did more harm than good in dealing with my hidradenitis suppurativa. I bought CBD oil in September and have been using it to massage my armpits every other day as a way to reduce pain and see if the swelling would go away. I wonder now if that may have knocked loose malignant cells that traveled to other parts of my body.

Of all the times to start this massage…

I am out y’all. I can’t take this right now.

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